Looking back on my own IVF journey, it feels like a blur. Juggling endless doctor's appointments felt like a full-time job, when I already had one! Sneaking hormone injections into office bathrooms between seeing my therapy clients made me feel like a drug smuggler. My days were overwhelming, only for me to get home and try not to throttle my husband during my hormonal rages.
When I started IVF, I naively thought having a baby was pretty much guaranteed. Nobody told me about the minuscule success rate for my age group or how common "false positive" results and miscarriages would be. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks, and I found myself living in a constant state of grieving, stress, and exhaustion. I needed help. I practise what I preach, so I went on a therapist hunt. I wanted to talk to not just a mental health professional but also a woman who gets it! However, I quickly realised that not a single psychotherapist I knew specialised in fertility-related issues. That's when I decided to help myself, and as a relationship therapist, I added IVF and miscarriage counselling to my niche. Today, I'm sharing 6 tips that helped me personally and many of my IVF clients to survive this challenging journey to motherhood:
IVF is literally stress on steroids: scheduling chaos, hormonal havoc, physical pain, relationship tension, financial burden, and nerve-wracking uncertainty. Your stress hormones become chronically elevated. All while everyone and their mother are telling you that you must "relax… let go… it will happen…" Seriously? If you weren't stressed enough, "relax advice" will definitely push you over the edge. While you may not be able to relax, you can try to counteract negative effects of stress on your body with relaxation and mindfulness techniques.
Action plan: Try the "5 senses" mindfulness exercise. Engage all your senses while doing an activity you enjoy, like savouring your morning cup of tea or coffee. Focus on the weight and warmth of the cup, its aroma, flavour, the sound of sipping, and its visual beauty. Practising this daily can help reduce anxiety levels.
If you need to unwind before or after your IVF procedures, deep breathing exercises will help you to relax. Check out one of my favourite techniques called "Physiological Sign" explained by the brilliant Dr. Andrew Huberman in his short YouTube video.
IVF can put a serious strain on even the strongest relationships. Issues around having children are emotionally charged for most of us because they often represent our life dreams and hopes. Add sex (or lack of it), money, and hormones on the top of it, and you find yourself walking on a minefield, and sharing emotions effectively becomes impossible. As a result, both of you end up feeling alone at the time when you need support from each other the most.
Action plan: Set aside just 5 minutes each day to check in with each other and provide a safe space for venting feelings. It's crucial to avoid getting into a "who's got it worse" competition and give an outlet to both of you.
I've seen clients who would do an embryo transfer the month following a traumatic miscarriage because they didn't want to waste time, only to end up in a complete mental breakdown down the road. Sure, the temptation to power through IVF non-stop is real. Especially when everyone is reminding you that your biological clock never stops, and the quality of your eggs is decreasing every year. However, getting pregnant at the cost of your own health and sanity is hardly a win. After all, a fight for a baby doesn't end with a positive pregnancy test; you need to carry your baby for 9 months, give birth, and take care of your baby for years to come. It's a long-haul game that requires preserving your physical and mental health.
Action plan: Learn your body's alarm signs, such as muscle tension, weight loss, flair-up of your eczema, etc. Listen to those internal alarms and know when it's time to take a break. If possible, discuss with your partner and your doctor potentially taking breaks after each major procedure to give you time to recover.
IVF can feel isolating, but you're not alone. When I started telling people about my fertility issues and the work I do to help other women, I was overwhelmed by how many people in my life (colleagues, friends, neighbours) shared with me that they also had been having difficulties getting pregnant, had IVF, or experienced miscarriages. Unlike on Instagram, where it seems like "everyone" is having pregnancy announcements or gender reveal parties, in real life, it turns out infertility is a common issue!
Action plan: Share your struggles with someone you trust - and don't be afraid to ask for exactly what you need. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a fun distraction from IVF thoughts, or a ride to your next doctor's appointment. You will be surprised how happy others are to support you in the way that you need.
If talking to friends and family isn't cutting it, don't hesitate to seek out a therapist or counsellor who specialises in fertility counselling. Sometimes we have emotions that we feel uncomfortable discussing with our loved ones. Emotions that we feel could be judged or misunderstood. I once worked with a client who had been grieving the loss of an IVF pregnancy. But she didn't feel comfortable telling her husband that she blamed his infertility issues for her suffering. Our work helped her to process these difficult emotions, release them in a healthy way, and open up to her husband in a way that brought them closer together.
Action plan: Many IVF clinics work with fertility/IVF counsellors; ask your doctor if they can recommend one to you. Check websites like Psychology Today for a list of therapists in your town and search one who specialises in this area. If you would like to learn more about my online IVF / miscarriage counselling, click here.
It's easy to put your life on hold while waiting for a positive pregnancy test. Summer vacation is not booked in case you need to attend appointments. Work promotions are not pursued in case you get pregnant and have to take maternity leave. Social gatherings are avoided because you can't drink or eat sushi. I get it. How can you plan when there is so much uncertainty?! But it's a vicious cycle. The more you put your life on hold, the more uncertainty there will be. The more you sacrifice the things you enjoy, the more difficult mentally the IVF process becomes for you. The number one complaint I hear from my clients is "I paused my entire life to get pregnant… I sacrificed too much for IVF… I lost myself in the process".
Action plan: Reclaim one thing that brought you joy but was set aside due to the demands of the IVF process. Treat yourself to that stunning dress you spotted online but hesitated to purchase out of concern for pregnancy weight gain. Finally, plan an activity or event to look forward to, whether it's a summer vacation, a weekend getaway, or tickets to see Ed Sheeran concert. Don't let IVF consume your life – just keep living.
I hope armed with these survival tips, you're ready to navigate the IVF journey with resilience. Remember, IVF is just one chapter in your story, not the whole book. You've got this!
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